Today I came across this article: Why Forgiveness Will Change Your Life. I wonder if it's something I am capable of because whenever I start reading what one has to do to forgive I have a sudden knee-jerk defense reaction, like "How in the fuck is that even possible?"
Ever since my last post, I have fought and fought myself. I want to delete it. . I'm completely uncomfortable with it. My mom told me once that you don't have to tell everyone everything. But, I realize with my skeletons, keeping them a secret or hidden is what has led to my self destruction. The hiding perpetuates the shame and the guilt...which perpetuates the eating disorders and the alcohol...and the pills...and at one time, the promiscuity.
A good friend just sat down with me. I told her about this blog. She asked why I haven't shared it with anyone. It's funny because she's a friend that knows the things I've shared here. But, it's different that I share them "publicly" even if it's on this random blog that no one probably reads. It's different when you just release something into the universe. I don't want to own it anymore but I'm still too ashamed to completely claim it. I guess this is my compromise for the time being.
I re-read a great quote I keep around for times like this:
As human beings, we govern our actions with our deepest fears. But, if you name that shit, you claim that shit, let enough people into your closet, and you'll find there's no more room for skeletons. Leave yourself nowhere to hide and you can live life unguarded.
Kevin Smith
Yes, Kevin Smith, director of Clerks, Mallrats, etc.
I want to live unguarded.
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